Merry Cancer-mas Eve

Waiting is the hardest part. 2 Days have passed while I have been out of commission and now it was Friday 12/23. My left breast looks like its been through a war. Bruised, bandaged, and tender with moments of shooting pain and I can't pick up anything. It was just lovely. I was allowed to take some Ibuprofen but it really didn't help the pain. Silver Lining: I could take a shower (can't take off the bandages yet)! But at Least I was clean!

It's Christmas Eve Eve and my brain is in a million places at once. Tonight are going to my Tia Rita's for our annual Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange with the family. PLUS we are going to Disney on Christmas Day (in 2 Days) and I have not packed or prepared ANYTHING (Being the mom you know its our job to get everyone organized). But all I can think about is waiting for my results. Will I get them today? What do I tell people? I can't have anyone hug me tonight because of my biopsy bruising? At this point the only people who know anything that has been going on are my immediate family, including my brother and sister.

As I started to packing up the kids clothing, the phone rings. It's Dr. Won (The radiologist) with the pathology results. The right breast was clear, but the left breast was positive for cancer and the left lymph node was positive too. I was just in shock. Not that I was surprised, I was just hoping that the little sliver of a chance would come through and this wasn't happening and I just have dense breasts.

Dr. Won asked " Do you have a surgeon you would like to use?"

"No. I don't have anyone. I don't even know who to call next."

"You don't need to worry about that. We will help you. I will refer you to Dr. Debra Camal. She is a wonderful breast surgeon. I will email her today with all your results. Her office is closed this weekend so she should get back to you next week. Her office will call to book your appointment" And she gave me Dr. Camal's phone number and the number to book a breast MRI.

We finished talking, she told me to go enjoy Disney with my family and let me know that nothing will change in the next week so enjoy the vacation. As I hung up the phone my brain was now circling...It's really cancer. I have breast cancer. I'm not supposed to have cancer. How do I tell my kids that their mom has cancer? What do I say to people, how do i tell them? I have to start telling family but It's Christmas, I can't ruin Christmas with cancer. "Merry Christmas everyone I have breast cancer! " What a shit way to start a holiday.

A little while later I get another phone call from a cell phone I didn't know. This time it was Dr. Aland my OBGYN. She had received all the results from my biopsies and wanted to talk to me as soon as she could. "I'm sorry I'm calling from my cell. I'm actually hiding in my bathroom with my toddler outside the door. I wanted to say Im so sorry about the diagnosis, and see if you have any questions." I had a few questions about what to do next and about getting the hysterectomy during this process (which I already was going to be having this year since in November I was diagnosed with adenomyosis. Yeah when it rains it pours. I don't do things half-assed- I have to be OVER The Top). Dr. Aland felt that we could do a full hysterectomy so that the cancer doesn't have a chance to travel down there. To which I responded "That works for me and At this point if my appendix looks like it should come out, feel free to take it. Anything that is not a vital organ can just go now." We chatted for a bit longer and talked about Christmas and Disney. She told me if I needed anything I could call her on her cell. She was just wonderful.

I had a good cry before getting ready for Christmas Eve Eve dinner. Pulled myself together and got ready for the evening. My sister and I already have our matching Christmas outfits prepared and this year my daughter, Harper was also joining in. Outfit theme this year was the Haynes Sisters from White Christmas. Even cancer wasn't going to change my traditions on this holiday.

The only question now was do I tell my family tonight or not...... and I would make the choice that evening.

I felt the confidence to say the words after the first hour there. It was the first time I said it outloud to anyone other than my immediate family. "I have breast cancer. I dont have any more information yet and I dont want anyone else to know yet. But I have this and Im going to be ok." I cried as I said it but I just needed to get it out. I said I wanted to wait to tell everyone else in family until after Christmas and after we came back from Disney. There were tears and hugs but so much love and support. We poured some more wine in our glasses and with a CHEERS continued on with our Christmas Eve traditions. Lots of laughs and family love.