I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed...

Just as I was all prepared for the biggest surgery of my life the other shoe dropped....

It takes a lot to get yourself comfortable and ready for a bilateral mastectomy. Not that I was really looking forward to it but I was prepared, mentally AND physically. I was called in the morning by a hospital member who went over the details of where to go, what to wear, and what to pack. She confirmed that I needed to have someone drive me and that the surgery would be probably 6-8 hours by the time my husband could come see me. She said the surgical department/ anesthesiologist would be calling me between 4 and 7pm to let me know what time to be at the hospital. All seemed to be good to go.

Now I just wait for that call. And wait...

And then at 4:56pm I get a phone call NOT from my hospital but from my Surgeons office. The surgery has been postponed. I started shaking, my head started swirling... they said I needed to call the hospital and see what's happening. So I call right away, but I have no clue what I'm asking for or even what is going on.... The woman I spoke with was very sweet and said she wasn't sure either, but there may have been scheduling conflicts. But she wasn't really sure. She was going to find out more and get back to me. At this point all my doctors offices were calling me... And my heart was racing... I couldn't catch my breath.

I was a mess of tears and the offices kept calling but I couldn't even tell you half of what was said. Dr. Griffith called me from her cell and was understandably pissed... "This is bullshit. This is not a preventative surgery. You have cancer and its growing and that is why Both Dr. Camal and I rearranged our schedules to move this date up. I will work with Dr. Camal and we will figure this out. "- (The best isn't she?!) She said a lot more but that was honestly all I could remember through my tears. I hung up and waited.

I sat there alone on the floor of my messy closet and tried to breathe. The phone rang again and it was Dr. Camal. She confirmed that there was issues with Covid positive case in my team and that the date needed to be moved in order for the full team to be there. If anything happened to me, she wouldn't forgive herself. My health and her teams health was the priority. Again, that was ALL I could remember because I just sobbed, and apologized for sobbing. I literally couldn't stop. She said her team would call me in the morning to confirm a new date. She felt terrible because I have been so positive throughout this process and she apologized to me as well. I thanked her and hung up.

And that's when I literally cried. Ugly, guttural tears. The kind that makes my face puffy and red and gave me that crying headache. This was worse than the last crying session....

I felt awful.

I felt sad for myself.

I felt guilty because my cousin came all the way from California to be with me and now it was pushed off.

I felt guilty because my beautiful village had been sending me the most incredible support and love and now it was pushed off.

I felt defeated.

And now I just have to wait again. I can't wait anymore. And I didn't want to talk to anyone.

Luckily my sister took over and kept everyone informed of the delay..

The New Few Days...

I did get the phone call, that they had rescheduled me for February 6th. Which was my original surgery date anyway. After getting all the tears out, I felt better once the new date was set. Im hoping maybe someone else needed my spot more than me. Or maybe the date wasn't meant to be for some other reason. Whatever the reason, I'm choosing to believe there was a purpose for the delay.

It's amazing what small details that seemed insignificant at the time, you remember AFTER the fact. I remembered that when I went for my pre-op scans and bloodwork, one of the nurses mentioned that the dates of my surgery didn't match on all my paperwork. Some said Feb 6th and some said Jan 26th. There may have been craziness behind the scenes that I didn't know about. So for the next week I will be staying within my little family bubble and preparing for the new surgery date.