I'm NOT supposed to have Cancer

For those that know me, I have always had a healthy appreciation for breasts. Women's breasts are a symbol of femininity and beauty. The 1950's Bombshell look to me is the epitome of Old Hollywood glamour and classic sexiness. As someone with a smaller chest, I admired those who were blessed with much more than I. I bought all the pushup bras from Victoria's Secret in my 20's to get that perfect hourglass figure with just the right amount of cleavage. Isn't that what we all did?

Once I was pregnant I had a new appreciation for how amazing women's breasts are! A few days after my son was born it was like...BAM! I was blessed with these incredible milk producing boobs! I was able to feed, comfort and bond my child with just my body! I felt like superwoman! It still amazes me that a woman's body just knows how to do this! I produced so much milk between my two pregnancies (2013 & 2015) that I was able to donate to help feed other babies (2 sets of twins). I became obsessed with learning everything I could about breastfeeding and teaching others to breastfeed. I started helping new mothers on their breastfeeding journeys, and got certified as a postpartum doula.... and THAT was where the name Mama On Tap started... This blog WAS going to be for breastfeeding and breastfeeding counseling but the universe had other plans...

So that brings me to now and why... I'm NOT supposed to have Cancer.

In 2020 I turned 40 and was given my first mammogram script... I remember saying "Really, do I need it yet?" And my OBGYN at the time said " Its good to start now, they lowered the age to 40 to get your first mammogram". She gave me a recommendation of the best place to go but I wasn't in a rush to get it scheduled. Why you may ask? First off, we were in the height of COVID and I was dealing with some other gynecological issues that kinda took priority. Plus I do so much breastfeeding counseling that Im always touching my boobs...No really ALWAYS! When I explain to a mom how to keep your milk ducts flowing or how to massage out a clog.... I am ALWAYS demonstrating on my own breasts. So I am pretty familiar with how they feel and would notice if something was different or abnormal. And lastly, I don't have it in my family. No direct family members had breast cancer. No genetic cancers in my family lineage. I'm a healthy, non smoker, not diabetic, not overweight mom with 2 kids. No red flags at all. So waiting wasn't a concern.

Flash forward to September 2022. I went to a music festival and wore a top that I needed to tape my boobs in. As I was taping them I noticed that the left one was much larger and fuller than the right. The top of the breast was a little firmer too but not a lump or anything. So weird but I figured it must be because of my upcoming period. Hormones are wacky and I have always had issues with hormones, so this must be another stupid thing from them. I made my annual appointment with my new OBGYN for the middle of October and thought I'd mention it to her when I went for my checkup.

At my checkup, my OBGYN did the normal breast check and said that my breast tissue feels a little dense on both sides (more so on the left) but that is common. She asked me if I have gotten a mammogram before, for which I said "Not yet. I'm due." She referred me to the same place my other OBGYN had , The Breast Center, and she included an ultrasound as well to the script. She told me this was the best place to get a mammogram since they give you results right away. So I made my appointment for December 16th 2022. The woman who booked the appointments asked me if I was in any pain, but i wasn't at the time.

Mid November I started to get some discomfort and pain. The pain felt like when you are breastfeeding and the breast is very full of milk. I felt like if I could pump, it would relieve that pain. But I'm not breastfeeding and I'm not producing milk. I haven't been for 5 years. I think this is very important to know because I ignored this pain since it was familiar. It wasn't really an abnormal pain, it just was an abnormal time for the pain to be there. The I noticed that the area around my nipple started to change a little, the skin seemed a little thicker. Again I didn't think much of it, and blamed it on my hormones as well. But the normal/abnormal pain and discomfort didn't go away.

Now we come to December 16, 2022. I went into the Women's Center at Riverview Medical Center for what I thought was a routine mammogram and breast ultrasound. I expected them to say that I have very dense breasts and send me on my way. Well after 2 1/2 hours and 3 mammograms and a long ultrasound with lots of clicks and measuring, I knew this wasn't good. Dr. Won, the radiologist called me into her office where there was no lights on, only the light from my scans on her computer screen. I sat in this chair next to her and she showed me that I had a swollen lymph node on the left side, a suspicious mass on the upper left side, calcifications on the left side, and another suspicious mass on the right side. She wanted to biopsy them on the following Tuesday. I was literally sitting there in shock. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? This is my first mammogram. I'm NOT Supposed to have Cancer. I stood up and my eyes started to well up. This doctor I have never met hugged me and said "Im so sorry honey. We will be with you every step of the way."

I sat in a single chair alone in the hallway outside her office for what seemed like forever. I just stared out the window in front of me waiting for the RN to come get me to schedule the biopsies. The RN named Chris came to get me, she hugged me and said "Im so sorry" before we walked down the hall. She must have felt my shock and energy because she said "I had breast cancer 15 years ago and I'm still here. It's going to be a fight but you will make it through and we will be here with you for every step." These women who never met me before that day treated me like family. They comforted me when I was alone with news that I should never have gotten. All this Before I even got a single biopsy. I will never forget those moments.

And so my journey has begun....