Crying in the Shower

I wrote this a few weeks back when I was having a hard time. I never finished it but I think it's important to show all parts of cancer. I try to find the silver linings, focus on the positives and the funny stuff. It's what keeps me going. But the truth is Cancer sucks. It takes an emotional toll on a person. I'm not sure why I didn't finish this before but some days it's hard to find the words. Chemo brain is very real and I sometimes have a hard time thinking, speaking or writing. As you can imagine it can be frustrating. Here is a glimpse into my emotional rollercoaster.

As I write this Im just a week after my last AC Chemo treatment and I'm in the emotional whirlwind. Its amazing how strong the brain is and how it can really mess with you. Mental health is so important. I have been focused on getting to the end of all this with strength, honestly and laughter but I never thought of the fact that I would feel helpless. I'm not that type of person. I don't like the feeling of needing help or asking for it.

This first round of chemo has really taken its toll on my mental state as well as my physical state. I understand why they called this the Red Devil. It made me question continuing on with treatment. It made me weak physically and mentally. I'm tired and uncomfortable all the time. My body can't move the way it used to. I can't lift things because my arm strength is gone. I get winded walking around the block and some days I'm too tired to move. My body has changed so much I don't even know it anymore. There are tissue expanders where I once had breasts. They are uncomfortable and painful. There are scars where I once had nipples and it saddens me to see them. I know the scars are reminders that the cancer is out and I am great full for that but I miss my old body.

Some days I just cry. I cry a lot in the shower because it's safe. I'm alone with my emotions and it's the best place to release. I didn't want my kids to watch me cry. I wanted them to see me fight this and laugh and be strong. But they have seen me cry and the amazing humans they are will just come over and hug me. So I know it's ok for them to see the hard parts too. It's their journey too. I've started to just tell them when I need a hug and ask them when I think they need one too. Hug therapy is amazing.

This was where I stopped.